It's coming up end of August. Where has time gone!? While this was the toughest year I have yet battled through emotionally, I have made myself move forward in all other areas in life. I have kept myself busy and let my time be consumed with many many... things. However, I do contemplate about the need to see a counsellor. My friends tell me that I am hiding my emotions and bottling them up inside, but what good does it do to let it out? I have to deal with them myself, and I truly don't want to burden my friends any further. Regardless how I am on the outside, I know I'm not happy.
Phyllis and Billy got married this last weekend. The wedding was simple and truly celebrated them and their journey. They are so sweet. I saw so much love and joy between them. They are so genuine that I wish for nothing but the best to them. That being said, it is tough for me to go to weddings. I am starting to feel how Wanger feels about weddings. Nonetheless, I am happy for my friends.
I've also started teaching another semester. I thoroughly enjoyed teaching last semester, learned so much from teaching and was inspired by my students' enthusiasm and passion. In many ways, they have made me a better nurse as well. Though I must admit, I teach for a selfish reason. I need more things to share my focus and energy. With the beginning of another semester, I have questioned what kind of instructor I want to be. I was the "down to earth", "fun", "approachable", "challenging and pushed their boundaries" instructor, to quote some of the words used in my performance review. I had decided that's the route I would continue to take. However, I find it difficult to work with certain personalities. I foresee this being an ongoing problem in my teaching career. How to teach students with difficult personalities... Because my role is so different as an instructor, this pushes me out of my comfort zone and broadens my horizons.
I am still a train wreck emotionally. The night I found out that Allen is dating someone, it hurt so much. I am so mad at myself and feel extremely stupid for still letting these things bother me when I clearly don't mean anything to him. I am trying though... one step forward two steps back? I will get there some day. They say if you truly care about someone, then you just want them happy. I will get there some day. Right now, I just want to make myself happy.
I continue to consider the possibility of moving... moving to somewhere new so I can push that reset button... moving to somewhere that will add spice to my life.
