Time flies... regardless you are having fun or not!

It's coming up end of August. Where has time gone!? While this was the toughest year I have yet battled through emotionally, I have made myself move forward in all other areas in life. I have kept myself busy and let my time be consumed with many many... things. However, I do contemplate about the need to see a counsellor. My friends tell me that I am hiding my emotions and bottling them up inside, but what good does it do to let it out? I have to deal with them myself, and I truly don't want to burden my friends any further. Regardless how I am on the outside, I know I'm not happy.

Phyllis and Billy got married this last weekend. The wedding was simple and truly celebrated them and their journey. They are so sweet. I saw so much love and joy between them. They are so genuine that I wish for nothing but the best to them. That being said, it is tough for me to go to weddings. I am starting to feel how Wanger feels about weddings. Nonetheless, I am happy for my friends.

I've also started teaching another semester. I thoroughly enjoyed teaching last semester, learned so much from teaching and was inspired by my students' enthusiasm and passion. In many ways, they have made me a better nurse as well. Though I must admit, I teach for a selfish reason. I need more things to share my focus and energy. With the beginning of another semester, I have questioned what kind of instructor I want to be. I was the "down to earth", "fun", "approachable", "challenging and pushed their boundaries" instructor, to quote some of the words used in my performance review. I had decided that's the route I would continue to take. However, I find it difficult to work with certain personalities. I foresee this being an ongoing problem in my teaching career. How to teach students with difficult personalities... Because my role is so different as an instructor, this pushes me out of my comfort zone and broadens my horizons.

I am still a train wreck emotionally. The night I found out that Allen is dating someone, it hurt so much. I am so mad at myself and feel extremely stupid for still letting these things bother me when I clearly don't mean anything to him. I am trying though... one step forward two steps back? I will get there some day. They say if you truly care about someone, then you just want them happy. I will get there some day. Right now, I just want to make myself happy.

I continue to consider the possibility of moving... moving to somewhere new so I can push that reset button... moving to somewhere that will add spice to my life.

Sleepless Nights

Need to wake up in a few hours but unable to fall asleep. Once in awhile, I have these nights that thoughts race through my mind and I can't find any peace. Every time I work through these emotions, I remind myself that this is no big deal. I remind myself that I will be at a better place once I work through it. Everyone says "you are a tough cookie". All my friends tell me that they know I will pull through, cause I wouldn't let myself do otherwise. Noone understands what it's like to put up a strong front yet feeling so fragile and vulnerable inside. I make myself try so hard... everyday. 

During this time that I'm getting a divorce, some of my closest friends are getting married. It's quite ironic that at one table, we would talk about my disappointing divorce and someone's exciting wedding planning as conversation over the same dinner. Just like while someone mourns over a death, we are quietly celebrating someone's birthday at the nurse's station. I, being in the medical profession, should understand this is all part of life. 

A part of me can't help but linger at the thought that had we not gotten married, we may still probably be happily dating. To some extent, that may be the most heart breaking. 相愛而不能相處, so cliché yet so true. 

20s

It'll soon be 10 years since I graduated highschool. In the last 10 years, I had done most of what I set out to do when I left highschool. I have done more in certain areas, and missed a few things in other aspects of my life. I went into college, graduated from nursing school, started building my career, worked in the emergency department, explored a few different jobs, dated someone, gotten married, gotten divorced, had my heart broken, made some new friends, got rid of some other ones, and done a bit of traveling. All in all, I think I have actually done more than what I had set out to do. I have been thinking, what do I want to do in the next 3 years to wrap up my 20s?

I will never cease to explore more career options. I have always been one to continually strive for more in this area. I wish to continue to be a go getter and cannot wait to see what other opportunities become available. 

I wish to travel more. I don't think I ended up traveling as much as I had planned to. I have always wanted to go to east side of Canada. And if South Africa happens in December this year, that would be very exciting.  I want to travel more and maybe, at some point, I will work up the courage to travel alone. 

Love life. I have learned this isn't something you can really plan for. I certainly did not plan for my love life to unfold this way. Yet in hindsight, I remember vivid conversations with highschool friends of how I would not get married until after 35! Ha, that really did not pan out as planned! I actually am interested in exploring 21st century dating scene and at least experience some of what people in this generation do. If anything, this is most out of my comfort zone. Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined I just want to date people. No commitments, no strings attached, I just want to explore what dating and relationships are about in other people's perspectives. I sometimes feel like I'm walking a fine line, and not sure how much of myself I'm losing. I wonder if I am going to lose all faith in relationships and become a completely different person. If someone can fall out of love so quickly, who could I ever trust again. How long am I going to let this haunt me for. So many people tell me someone else will come along, but I don't have the same faith. I can't imagine ever loving someone in the same way again. So maybe don't let myself get involved is a defence mechanism I want to default to. 

Regardless, I want to make the next three years amazing and wrap up my 20s with no regrets. 

Encryption

Recently watched a movie called Imitation Game. In it talks about encryption. They defined encryption as everyone can see it, but not everyone understands what it means. One of the characters then challenged to say how is that any different than people talking. People say certain things but mean another.

I have become more and more of an introvert over the years, possibly for this reason - shy to meet new people, only wishing to keep close knit group of friends, rather not venture out of my social circle, and also reluctant to let anyone into my bubble. Even amongst my friends and family, I find often times I say things like "well why didn't you just say so". I have never been good at picking up cues or hints, nor am I one to nudge and wink to express my thoughts - maybe that's why I come across blunt and short with people. Me not knowing how to frame my thoughts or cushion my opinion certainly has gotten me into trouble over the years. I sometimes wonder if that's also damaged my relationship with Allen. I also wonder if this is why I find it easier to get along with guy friends, because there tends to be less drama and and guessing involved. I also can't stand people that knit-pick and study every word I use.

I think it scares me how often people don't mean what they say. "It's beautiful" when it really isn't; "that's hilarious" when it really isn't; "yes I want to do that" when they don't, "I love you" when he doesn't, "I want to spend the rest of my life with you" when he won't, "I will love you now and for who you are yet to become" but doesn't mean it. It scares me how quickly people change as well. Even my own parents, I find out now that they watched me get married expecting me to walk down this road one day. That was also one of my heart breaking in the last few months. It's one thing to be indifferent, but they were so supportive and encouraging during the time I had prepared the wedding, only for me to find out now that they had secretly wished for the wedding to fall through the whole time. "I was hoping you two would get married" when they secretly meant completely opposite. What hope can I have in people when even my parents are like that? Maybe I am suppose to get accustomed to this culture, maybe this is how people are suppose to interact with each other.

Yet how genuine can any relationship be if I can't just speak my mind or if I have to spend more effort framing my words than actually communication? I certainly wish all my friends to mean what they say and speak their thoughts. The world needs people that aren't afraid to speak their minds. But where's the line? Where's the gray area to do that without offending people? Maybe even I am autistic in some ways.

Time of Self-Discovery

While painful, the last few months have also been a time of self-discovery. People say we discover things about ourselves through relationships with others. It is also only through multiple relationships that we really learn what we want in our life partner. I wish the latter wasn't true. I had asked Allen at one point that I wasn't sure if it was so much easier for him to walk away and give this all up cause he had been through break ups before. His response was that it was because he had been through relationships in the past that he knew what he was looking for. Isn't it ironic though that he knew what he was looking for, yet walked into a marriage with me only to end up walking out. 

Regardless, I say it has been a time of self discovery because I have learned more about myself in the last year than ever before. Amongst many things that Allen said, one thing is true, that I place my parents at a very high pedestal. It makes it impossible for anyone to interfere with our relationship, and my relationship with anyone else would subsequently seem inferior to that. I still am not sure if that is a good or bad thing. In my relationship with Allen, it surely has proven my parents' love for me is more enduring and long lasting than anyone else's. However, I am not sure how healthy this is. For awhile, I just wanted to focus on pulling my life back together and simply did not care about anything else. I barely talked to my parents, stayed in my room most of the time, and just kept quiet to myself. My goal every day was to just get through the day. My mom eventually had a meltdown over I have become this unhappy person. Well duh! I felt it was selfish of her that while I was mentally and emotionally exhausted trying so hard to pull myself back together and just trying to get through life, there she was having a mental breakdown. Not only did I have to deal with my emotions, I had to deal with hers also. 

But I couldn't stand seeing her that way. So I could only pretend to be happier. Not like I want to live life sulking and mopping around, and I could not be more thankful that growing up with my parents, I have learned amazing coping skills. However, since the last few months, I feel more introverted than ever. Often times I just want to hide and be quiet. But I don't feel like I can be who I want to be without my parents being super worried. So day by day, I am tracking along like nothing's wrong. I'm not sure if it's healthy, but life goes on, and this makes them less worried? Allen was upset with how I placed my parents before him. But truth is, I placed all three of them even before myself.