Encryption

Recently watched a movie called Imitation Game. In it talks about encryption. They defined encryption as everyone can see it, but not everyone understands what it means. One of the characters then challenged to say how is that any different than people talking. People say certain things but mean another.

I have become more and more of an introvert over the years, possibly for this reason - shy to meet new people, only wishing to keep close knit group of friends, rather not venture out of my social circle, and also reluctant to let anyone into my bubble. Even amongst my friends and family, I find often times I say things like "well why didn't you just say so". I have never been good at picking up cues or hints, nor am I one to nudge and wink to express my thoughts - maybe that's why I come across blunt and short with people. Me not knowing how to frame my thoughts or cushion my opinion certainly has gotten me into trouble over the years. I sometimes wonder if that's also damaged my relationship with Allen. I also wonder if this is why I find it easier to get along with guy friends, because there tends to be less drama and and guessing involved. I also can't stand people that knit-pick and study every word I use.

I think it scares me how often people don't mean what they say. "It's beautiful" when it really isn't; "that's hilarious" when it really isn't; "yes I want to do that" when they don't, "I love you" when he doesn't, "I want to spend the rest of my life with you" when he won't, "I will love you now and for who you are yet to become" but doesn't mean it. It scares me how quickly people change as well. Even my own parents, I find out now that they watched me get married expecting me to walk down this road one day. That was also one of my heart breaking in the last few months. It's one thing to be indifferent, but they were so supportive and encouraging during the time I had prepared the wedding, only for me to find out now that they had secretly wished for the wedding to fall through the whole time. "I was hoping you two would get married" when they secretly meant completely opposite. What hope can I have in people when even my parents are like that? Maybe I am suppose to get accustomed to this culture, maybe this is how people are suppose to interact with each other.

Yet how genuine can any relationship be if I can't just speak my mind or if I have to spend more effort framing my words than actually communication? I certainly wish all my friends to mean what they say and speak their thoughts. The world needs people that aren't afraid to speak their minds. But where's the line? Where's the gray area to do that without offending people? Maybe even I am autistic in some ways.