Time of Self-Discovery

While painful, the last few months have also been a time of self-discovery. People say we discover things about ourselves through relationships with others. It is also only through multiple relationships that we really learn what we want in our life partner. I wish the latter wasn't true. I had asked Allen at one point that I wasn't sure if it was so much easier for him to walk away and give this all up cause he had been through break ups before. His response was that it was because he had been through relationships in the past that he knew what he was looking for. Isn't it ironic though that he knew what he was looking for, yet walked into a marriage with me only to end up walking out. 

Regardless, I say it has been a time of self discovery because I have learned more about myself in the last year than ever before. Amongst many things that Allen said, one thing is true, that I place my parents at a very high pedestal. It makes it impossible for anyone to interfere with our relationship, and my relationship with anyone else would subsequently seem inferior to that. I still am not sure if that is a good or bad thing. In my relationship with Allen, it surely has proven my parents' love for me is more enduring and long lasting than anyone else's. However, I am not sure how healthy this is. For awhile, I just wanted to focus on pulling my life back together and simply did not care about anything else. I barely talked to my parents, stayed in my room most of the time, and just kept quiet to myself. My goal every day was to just get through the day. My mom eventually had a meltdown over I have become this unhappy person. Well duh! I felt it was selfish of her that while I was mentally and emotionally exhausted trying so hard to pull myself back together and just trying to get through life, there she was having a mental breakdown. Not only did I have to deal with my emotions, I had to deal with hers also. 

But I couldn't stand seeing her that way. So I could only pretend to be happier. Not like I want to live life sulking and mopping around, and I could not be more thankful that growing up with my parents, I have learned amazing coping skills. However, since the last few months, I feel more introverted than ever. Often times I just want to hide and be quiet. But I don't feel like I can be who I want to be without my parents being super worried. So day by day, I am tracking along like nothing's wrong. I'm not sure if it's healthy, but life goes on, and this makes them less worried? Allen was upset with how I placed my parents before him. But truth is, I placed all three of them even before myself.