Time flies... regardless you are having fun or not!

It's coming up end of August. Where has time gone!? While this was the toughest year I have yet battled through emotionally, I have made myself move forward in all other areas in life. I have kept myself busy and let my time be consumed with many many... things. However, I do contemplate about the need to see a counsellor. My friends tell me that I am hiding my emotions and bottling them up inside, but what good does it do to let it out? I have to deal with them myself, and I truly don't want to burden my friends any further. Regardless how I am on the outside, I know I'm not happy.

Phyllis and Billy got married this last weekend. The wedding was simple and truly celebrated them and their journey. They are so sweet. I saw so much love and joy between them. They are so genuine that I wish for nothing but the best to them. That being said, it is tough for me to go to weddings. I am starting to feel how Wanger feels about weddings. Nonetheless, I am happy for my friends.

I've also started teaching another semester. I thoroughly enjoyed teaching last semester, learned so much from teaching and was inspired by my students' enthusiasm and passion. In many ways, they have made me a better nurse as well. Though I must admit, I teach for a selfish reason. I need more things to share my focus and energy. With the beginning of another semester, I have questioned what kind of instructor I want to be. I was the "down to earth", "fun", "approachable", "challenging and pushed their boundaries" instructor, to quote some of the words used in my performance review. I had decided that's the route I would continue to take. However, I find it difficult to work with certain personalities. I foresee this being an ongoing problem in my teaching career. How to teach students with difficult personalities... Because my role is so different as an instructor, this pushes me out of my comfort zone and broadens my horizons.

I am still a train wreck emotionally. The night I found out that Allen is dating someone, it hurt so much. I am so mad at myself and feel extremely stupid for still letting these things bother me when I clearly don't mean anything to him. I am trying though... one step forward two steps back? I will get there some day. They say if you truly care about someone, then you just want them happy. I will get there some day. Right now, I just want to make myself happy.

I continue to consider the possibility of moving... moving to somewhere new so I can push that reset button... moving to somewhere that will add spice to my life.

Sleepless Nights

Need to wake up in a few hours but unable to fall asleep. Once in awhile, I have these nights that thoughts race through my mind and I can't find any peace. Every time I work through these emotions, I remind myself that this is no big deal. I remind myself that I will be at a better place once I work through it. Everyone says "you are a tough cookie". All my friends tell me that they know I will pull through, cause I wouldn't let myself do otherwise. Noone understands what it's like to put up a strong front yet feeling so fragile and vulnerable inside. I make myself try so hard... everyday. 

During this time that I'm getting a divorce, some of my closest friends are getting married. It's quite ironic that at one table, we would talk about my disappointing divorce and someone's exciting wedding planning as conversation over the same dinner. Just like while someone mourns over a death, we are quietly celebrating someone's birthday at the nurse's station. I, being in the medical profession, should understand this is all part of life. 

A part of me can't help but linger at the thought that had we not gotten married, we may still probably be happily dating. To some extent, that may be the most heart breaking. 相愛而不能相處, so cliché yet so true. 

20s

It'll soon be 10 years since I graduated highschool. In the last 10 years, I had done most of what I set out to do when I left highschool. I have done more in certain areas, and missed a few things in other aspects of my life. I went into college, graduated from nursing school, started building my career, worked in the emergency department, explored a few different jobs, dated someone, gotten married, gotten divorced, had my heart broken, made some new friends, got rid of some other ones, and done a bit of traveling. All in all, I think I have actually done more than what I had set out to do. I have been thinking, what do I want to do in the next 3 years to wrap up my 20s?

I will never cease to explore more career options. I have always been one to continually strive for more in this area. I wish to continue to be a go getter and cannot wait to see what other opportunities become available. 

I wish to travel more. I don't think I ended up traveling as much as I had planned to. I have always wanted to go to east side of Canada. And if South Africa happens in December this year, that would be very exciting.  I want to travel more and maybe, at some point, I will work up the courage to travel alone. 

Love life. I have learned this isn't something you can really plan for. I certainly did not plan for my love life to unfold this way. Yet in hindsight, I remember vivid conversations with highschool friends of how I would not get married until after 35! Ha, that really did not pan out as planned! I actually am interested in exploring 21st century dating scene and at least experience some of what people in this generation do. If anything, this is most out of my comfort zone. Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined I just want to date people. No commitments, no strings attached, I just want to explore what dating and relationships are about in other people's perspectives. I sometimes feel like I'm walking a fine line, and not sure how much of myself I'm losing. I wonder if I am going to lose all faith in relationships and become a completely different person. If someone can fall out of love so quickly, who could I ever trust again. How long am I going to let this haunt me for. So many people tell me someone else will come along, but I don't have the same faith. I can't imagine ever loving someone in the same way again. So maybe don't let myself get involved is a defence mechanism I want to default to. 

Regardless, I want to make the next three years amazing and wrap up my 20s with no regrets. 

Encryption

Recently watched a movie called Imitation Game. In it talks about encryption. They defined encryption as everyone can see it, but not everyone understands what it means. One of the characters then challenged to say how is that any different than people talking. People say certain things but mean another.

I have become more and more of an introvert over the years, possibly for this reason - shy to meet new people, only wishing to keep close knit group of friends, rather not venture out of my social circle, and also reluctant to let anyone into my bubble. Even amongst my friends and family, I find often times I say things like "well why didn't you just say so". I have never been good at picking up cues or hints, nor am I one to nudge and wink to express my thoughts - maybe that's why I come across blunt and short with people. Me not knowing how to frame my thoughts or cushion my opinion certainly has gotten me into trouble over the years. I sometimes wonder if that's also damaged my relationship with Allen. I also wonder if this is why I find it easier to get along with guy friends, because there tends to be less drama and and guessing involved. I also can't stand people that knit-pick and study every word I use.

I think it scares me how often people don't mean what they say. "It's beautiful" when it really isn't; "that's hilarious" when it really isn't; "yes I want to do that" when they don't, "I love you" when he doesn't, "I want to spend the rest of my life with you" when he won't, "I will love you now and for who you are yet to become" but doesn't mean it. It scares me how quickly people change as well. Even my own parents, I find out now that they watched me get married expecting me to walk down this road one day. That was also one of my heart breaking in the last few months. It's one thing to be indifferent, but they were so supportive and encouraging during the time I had prepared the wedding, only for me to find out now that they had secretly wished for the wedding to fall through the whole time. "I was hoping you two would get married" when they secretly meant completely opposite. What hope can I have in people when even my parents are like that? Maybe I am suppose to get accustomed to this culture, maybe this is how people are suppose to interact with each other.

Yet how genuine can any relationship be if I can't just speak my mind or if I have to spend more effort framing my words than actually communication? I certainly wish all my friends to mean what they say and speak their thoughts. The world needs people that aren't afraid to speak their minds. But where's the line? Where's the gray area to do that without offending people? Maybe even I am autistic in some ways.

Time of Self-Discovery

While painful, the last few months have also been a time of self-discovery. People say we discover things about ourselves through relationships with others. It is also only through multiple relationships that we really learn what we want in our life partner. I wish the latter wasn't true. I had asked Allen at one point that I wasn't sure if it was so much easier for him to walk away and give this all up cause he had been through break ups before. His response was that it was because he had been through relationships in the past that he knew what he was looking for. Isn't it ironic though that he knew what he was looking for, yet walked into a marriage with me only to end up walking out. 

Regardless, I say it has been a time of self discovery because I have learned more about myself in the last year than ever before. Amongst many things that Allen said, one thing is true, that I place my parents at a very high pedestal. It makes it impossible for anyone to interfere with our relationship, and my relationship with anyone else would subsequently seem inferior to that. I still am not sure if that is a good or bad thing. In my relationship with Allen, it surely has proven my parents' love for me is more enduring and long lasting than anyone else's. However, I am not sure how healthy this is. For awhile, I just wanted to focus on pulling my life back together and simply did not care about anything else. I barely talked to my parents, stayed in my room most of the time, and just kept quiet to myself. My goal every day was to just get through the day. My mom eventually had a meltdown over I have become this unhappy person. Well duh! I felt it was selfish of her that while I was mentally and emotionally exhausted trying so hard to pull myself back together and just trying to get through life, there she was having a mental breakdown. Not only did I have to deal with my emotions, I had to deal with hers also. 

But I couldn't stand seeing her that way. So I could only pretend to be happier. Not like I want to live life sulking and mopping around, and I could not be more thankful that growing up with my parents, I have learned amazing coping skills. However, since the last few months, I feel more introverted than ever. Often times I just want to hide and be quiet. But I don't feel like I can be who I want to be without my parents being super worried. So day by day, I am tracking along like nothing's wrong. I'm not sure if it's healthy, but life goes on, and this makes them less worried? Allen was upset with how I placed my parents before him. But truth is, I placed all three of them even before myself. 

Why hello, Blog!

Came across this blog in my rare down time. This blog is so old and nobody follows this anymore, a nice little emotional hide out spot perhaps.  


2014 marks a painful year. I learned for the first time what heartbreak feels like, a hopeless feeling like I am forever broken. I've taken what seems like forever to try to work through it, but it's become a process of learning to live with it. If I wake up and you aren't the first thing on my mind, it's already progress. Not the 20-hour work days, not the 7-day work weeks, nothing keeps my mind occupied enough. 



After being with someone, whether a mere friend or someone closer, for a significant amount of time, we influence each other and our lives integrate into each others'. It's difficult to live day-to-day and not feel pain because every part of my life had some of you in it. Maybe it's easier to be a forgetful person like you are.  


Friends are quick to support and parents are quick to protect. But nobody really understands the pain and dilemma. Nor can anyone really help. All I can do for them is to be strong, hold back the tears, and live life like before. While both of us had done our equal share to break this marriage, the worst is to feel like I will never have closure. There are so many unanswered questions in my mind.  


I also stumbled upon someone's blog where she had never healed from her break up, at the time she had already started dating someone else. And not a year later, she was engaged and then married. It makes me wonder how people view relationships and marriages. Time heals all wounds, but really, does it? Is it possible to truly recover from a heart break? What about the scars that get left behind? How can one truly commit to the next relationship or even future spouse not having completely moved on from their past... or do people just don't care? 


I genuinely hope you find your happiness. And I hope that one day, our paths will cross again. Maybe one day, we can be friends again.  


"After seeing so many failed relationships, and more than a good handful of broken engagements and divorces, there’s that risk of disillusionment. But one thing I believe with all my heart is that anything that’s worth gaining comes with great risk. And in this life, what is more worthwhile, what is more fulfilling, what is more beautiful, than risking it all for the sake of love?" - Junshien Lau. 


"人只要心跳仍在，過著的每一天，都是獨一無二的課堂，我們學習，我們反思，我們感受，這是人生吧。" - Joey Yung

Dear Austin

Dear Austin,

Now that I think about it, I remember a lot of you. I don't remember how we ever came to deciding to get a dog, but somehow we did.

I remember seeing you for the first time at the kennel. You ran up to us with all your friends and cousins, and we picked you. On second look, you actually looked asymmetrical, but we took you home.

We started off as clumsy owners, and I wasn't so allergic to you yet. We had to put you into a cage when we all went to work, because we didn't know any better. Before I went to school, I peeked at you. I remember how you looked at me with your sad puppy eyes, just wanting me to let you out of the cage, those eyes made me cry. I got home as quickly as I could to set you free... into our backyard. Come to think about it, you were such a cute puppy.

A few days later, we felt bad, so we kept you in the garage, but not locked. You had a lot more room to run around in, just without the sun and grass. I came home to find the biggest mess in our garage. You pulled everything out of where they belonged and chewed on many things. We got mad, then laughed.

Eventually, we learned we can just leave you in the backyard while we were away. You never caused too much trouble. Well, you dug up holes after holes after holes. We tried not filling the holes hoping it would eventually get too deep for you to keep digging, but you dug until the tree fell down. We tried pouring vinegar, watered down bleach, hot sauce... into the holes, but you were never afraid. You just kept digging, and digging, and digging, until you got bored of doing that.

I remember taking training lessons with you. Well, that never really worked out, you were such an untrained puppy. I remember you coming with dad to watch our cadet practices and annual inspections, you always got a lot of attention. I remember walking you, and you trying to slip away numerous times. You made me fall once! I remember you bringing us rabbits and rats and squirrels. I remember eating frozen yogurt with you at Steveston. I remember a lot of you.

And then I got deathly allergic to you. We couldn't even be in the same car together, we couldn't even go for walks together. We just stopped hanging out together. Honestly, I didn't care too much when we decided to give you away. I knew you would be better off at another family. I hope you were, I hope you were happy the last few years. Thank you for giving me such great memories through my high school years. You were such a cute puppy. You were the only dog I wasn't afraid of. I will never have another pet again.

Goodbye!

Love, Joanas

Thank You, Life.

Dot Desserts. This is my favourite dessert place of all times. The yummy ice cream parfaits, the original drinks... they never fail me :) 

This modest little dessert cafe has a special place in my heart. During the time that Allen was asking me out, he eventually convinced me to try going on a date with him. He had a wonderful day planned out, and this cafe place was part of his day planned. We didn't end up going on that date. I had to help a family friend out, and bailed out on Allen (it never ceases to impress me how Allen never just gave up on me). 

Allen eventually brought me to Dot Desserts last year for my birthday, and I had fallen in love with this place ever since. We don't go very often, but it is my favourite :)

I'm so thankful. I can't even begin listing all the things and people that I'm thankful for, but I'm humbly thankful. Life is amazing. 

My home

I'm almost officially a first time homebuyer. Almost, as I'm still in the 7-day period to rethink my decision and work out the little details. I have until Monday to take back my deposit. This little home is perfect. It'll be completed at the perfect time - in almost 2 years time, when I think I will actually be ready to leave my parents' house, and also when I will be financially stable enough to do so.

In the last few days, I keep realizing how lucky I am. Lucky to have parents that taught me to handle my financials since a young age, parents that forced me to start working as soon as I'm legal, parents that supported my education, and to have a full time job now... all contributing to my little efforts in getting my own place now. I really think it is something to be proud of. My parents have helped me every little step along the way, but to be able to buy my first home at 23 with my own money? That even scares me a little. 

Ahhhhh, so excited! *jumps around*

July 2011

I have about 5 unfinished blog posts by now. I have this habit of starting to write, but never finishing them. I sometimes end up deleting a lot of the unfinished posts. It's an important month coming up though, which has gotten me thinking a little more than I usually do. 

Career has probably been the biggest scheme of my thinking in the last year, and even more so in the last few months. I am meeting my new manager in two weeks, and starting my new job shortly after that. It is scary and exciting all at the same time. I often become timid, and wonder if I'm jumping ahead of myself, and if I will be able to handle the stress and the emotion that happens in the emergency room. First of all, it's a completely different clientèle. There will be many people that come into the emergency room for what we consider non-legit. However, we are obligated to admit and treat them regardless how ridiculous their complaints are. There will be times that we are dealing with rude patients that get more agitated from waiting. There will be psych patients - my worst fear in nursing (I always say I would quit nursing altogether before I become a psych nurse). Apparently there are a lot of psychiatric patients that come through the ER doors, and we are the ones to assess and treat them still. I had completely bypassed psychiatry through my years of training, and I am still unsure of how well I will be able to work with those patients. 

But I heard something reassuring today. One of my greatest role models of all times told my coworker/friend this: "I keep seeing her growing and maturing, she will be great in Emerg". "Her" being Joanas. Knowing this came from a supervisor that watched me work since I started as a student three years ago really warmed my heart. I am confident in my nursing abilities, but I still often wonder if I am good enough, and I still often fear of making mistakes or being negligent. Fear is good though, it keeps me in line. But now I know, even the person that has worked with me since I was a tiny unnoticeable potato thinks I am ready. So maybe I am ready for this challenge. Emerg, here Joanas comes! 

Then comes our one year anniversary. My relationship with Allen has been exactly like how I imagined a functional relationship should be - so effortless. We always know what each other are thinking - I'm sure having been friends for so many years helps XD I find our relationship very simple - we just want to be with each other. Our friend had told me that the honeymoon period lasts 3 months, and another friend told me it lasts 9 months. For us? We have yet to find out how long this honeymoon period will last ^^

Final thought, I need to pick up a hobby...

Helen & Keith

My friends from highschool got married over the weekend. I remember being really good friends with both the bride and the groom. But due to various reasons, we have drifted far apart over the years. Regardless, it was emotional and exciting to witness them committing themselves to each other.

I love weddings :) weddings are always so happy! Josie used to say that being a wedding officiant has to be the " happiest" job, haha. Probably true.

Some movie taught me that when the bride is walking down the aisle, everyone pays attention to the bride -- how happy, how gorgeous, and how radiant she is. All of which was true for Helen. However, it is sometimes equally, if not more, emotional to look at the groom while the bride walks down the aisle -- to see their expectant and admiring smiles.

Though we haven't kept in touch in the last few years, it doesn't take much to know how perfect Keith and Helen are for each other. All the best to them :)

Pictures to come... maybe XD

Orange

This past year has been crazy. Both good and bad. 

Work has been more mentally exhausting than ever. I remember finishing my final preceptorship was an exciting time. Everyone had all sorts of advice and tips to give me, amongst which were often negative -- "it'll be a roller coaster", "you'll never get used to the hospital politics", "you will get so bitter so quick being on a regular ward"... etc etc. Despite everything, I was excited to finally be done. I always knew I would miss school, but I never realized it would be because I would get so sick of work. 

There are no easy solutions to an aging population. I don't have an answer, but I do know that what we are doing just isn't working. Our practices are becoming so unsafe, and are causing people sicker quicker. It is heart-breaking sometimes, and I often question HOW am I expected to work. Fighting to deliver decent patient care against hospital politics is the most disgusting.

Picking up a full-time, paid training, position in the emergency room is like a dream come true. I can only wonder who to thank for such blessings -- less than a year out of school, and already been given such a great opportunity. It is exciting, scary, reassuring, frightening, encouraging, humbling... ... all at the same time. Though at the bottom of my heart, I wonder if, again, it'll only a matter of time before I'm bored and want a new challenge again. I'm so "orange" and I need new and shiny things all the time, that it sure gets slightly annoying.

Finally, I love Allen. He is simply the best guy any girl could ever ask for. Just a thought. :)

Yes, we are always this happy when we are together :P

Career

1:20am and I can't sleep. I've started my BCIT course for almost a week now. I'm really glad I decided to go back to school again. My life was getting boring, and I needed something more. However, school has made me think about my career more. I've forgotten what it's like to enjoy working, I don't remember what it's like to not drag my feet into work. I know I need to be patient until other opportunities come along, but I don't want to be. I've been trying to jump over red tapes and duck under ropes, I've exhausted my connections, but I'm still stuck at where I don't want to be. What to do... What to do...

Talented

"After seeing so many failed relationships, and more than a good handful of broken engagements and divorces, there’s that risk of disillusionment. But one thing I believe with all my heart is that anything that’s worth gaining comes with great risk. And in this life, what is more worthwhile, what is more fulfilling, what is more beautiful, than risking it all for the sake of love?" - Junshien Lau.

He is my favourite photographers of all times. I want to, one day, have my pictures taken by him before I grow too old. He is young, he is fun, he is smart, he is creative, he is talented. He is my celebrity crush. His pictures are so beautiful and they never cease to impress and amaze me.

www.junshien.com

New Year Survey

Where did you begin the year?
Iced Cafe, while the restaurant was still being renovated.

2) What was your status by Valentine's Day?
Happily single :) (didn't know what I was missing out on XD)

3) Were you in school anytime this year?
Until April. But heading back to school soon, woots!

4) How did you earn your money?
Work, work, and WORK!

5) Did you have to go to the hospital?
Haha, way too much and way too often.

6) Did you have any encounters with the police?
For work purposes for one situation only.

7) Where did you go on holiday?
This was a holiday-filled year. NYC, Vegas, Whistler, Portland, and Seattle. But I want more holiday!

8) What did you purchase that was over $1000?
Mmmm my vacation costs.

9) Did you know anybody who got married?
No weddings this year :(

10) Did you know anybody who passed away?
Noone I knew personally.

12) Did you move anywhere?
Nopes. I love our home now. 

14) What concerts/shows did you go to?
Chicago, Phantom, and Wicked while in NY.
Magic show in Vegas.
Eason next week! *excited much*

15) Are you registered to vote?
Yes

16) Who did you want to win Big BrotherANTM?
I don't care.

17) Where do you live now?
Home. Though sometimes I wish I lived in Nanaimo.

18) Describe your birthday.
Waited for Allen to come home, Then we went to Charcoal for dinner and Dot for partfait dessert. Then QE park and River Road :)

19) What's one thing you thought you'd never do but did this year?
Clubbing

20) What has been your favorite moment?
Way too many favourite moments with Allen :)

21) What's something you learned about yourself?
I can cook! 

22.) Any new additions to your family?
Nopes 

23.) What was your best month?
July and September 

24.) What music will you remember the year by?
Lucky and Just the Way You Are 

25) Who has been your best shopping buddy?Myself XD But I loved shopping for Allen. :)
 
26) Made new friends?
Yup! 

27) Best NEW friend?
Allen.  

28) Favorite night out?
July 31. 

29) 3 People you've dated?
Allen, Allen, and Allen :) 

30) Have you kissed any of the three from q.29?
Muah!

31) Kiss any one of the same sex?
I didn't kiss anyone, but Joti kissed me many times XD

33) Something you look forward to before the new year?
Eason's concert!  

34) Where will you start the new year?
At work, sadly :(  
 

Reality Nursing

It's been 4 months since I have started working as an independent RN. No more instructors stalking me, no more too many people to report to, no more being controlled and judged by other nurses. It's been overwhelming, yet there is no doubt that the nursing world has been treating me nicely.

I got lucky. Working in 5 different units allowed me nice breaks from all the diaper changes, bums wiping, and many other odd things we do. I hate it. I hate how our surgical floors are bombarded by handicapped medical patients that don't belong there. I hate how us surgical nurses are doing medical work that we shouldn't be doing. I hate how much I hate being a medical nurse. 

And now. Now that I got even luckier and got to jump into a full time line, I don't really know what to do with this kind of luck. I can't complain, I am one of the few that got into a full time position this quick after graduation. But I worry, I worry now that I am "stuck" at one unit, I will get sick and tired of it too soon. "It" may simply refer to the one unit, though I am afraid "It" might somewhere down the road mean "the real nursing world". 

I remember when I was a student or when I first graduated, how excited I was to be a real nurse. But the last few months have taught me nursing really isn't what I expected it to be. I have limited autonomy in my practice, I have little control over my patient care, and I am given little credit for my knowledge and for what I know is right. 

I want to give the best patient care possible, I want to be a nurse that does more than completing tasks, I want many other things to fulfill what I think is the ideal nursing role. Yet the longer I am in this real nursing world, the more I realize how far I am from possibly becoming that ideal nurse. No, I am not going to quit nursing right now. But if the future of my nursing career continues to be what it has been like in the last 4 months, I might become a statistic and drop out of nursing within 5 years of graduation. 

Maybe I just need to specialize into areas with quicker patient turnover or areas that give me adrenaline rush. Maybe. I hope that's all I need. 

:)

We went to Whistler.

We had fun. :)

We are excited for our next trip. =)

To My Future Hubby

It isn't the first time I've seen it, but it warms my heart and restores my faith every time. What is this that I speak of?...

My patient went home the other day. Her husband and her held hands when leaving the hospital. They are 80 something years old. It warms my heart every time I see that. My patients often tell me their stories with their husbands/wives. I see couples taking care of each other, worrying about each other, and loving each other every day that I work. And they restore my faith in relationships, in marriages.

To my future hubby, when I am 80, old and wrinkly, will you still hold my hand and tell me that you love me? Will you help me fancy up my walker with Winnie the Pooh? Will you bring me to the beach in my wheelchair? ... ... ... Will I ever find you? 

I wish...

I wish my feet were just one size bigger, so I can wear many more pretty shoes. I really want to fit into those shoes I saw today!!! :(

I wish I was two inches taller, so I can wear many more pretty clothes.

I wish I was 5 pounds skinnier, also so I can wear many more pretty clothes.

I wish my eyes were just a little bigger, so I can be prettier.

I wish my fingers were longer, so I can play piano better. 

I wish I was smarter, so I don't have to study. And so I can be doctor, so I wouldn't be jobless right now. 

I wish I liked numbers more and was more customer-tolerating and customer-friendly, so I wouldn't mind working at the bank, also so I wouldn't be jobless right now. 

I wish many other things of myself... but I guess if it all came true, I wouldn't be ME. I would also be very broke from buying all the pretty shoes and pretty clothes that I could fit into. =P

Fun in the Gym

I've joined the gym for almost a year now. I like it :) I have spent a lot of frustrating days there to destress before going home, though I go much less now since I don't have a car anymore. 

There's just one thing - there's too many nakedness in the changing room! People, just put on some clothes! It is SO unnecessary for people to sit there naked... texting. I understand if you are in the midst of changing, but don't just sit there!